Decisions, Decisions..

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. After college, I taught at a childcare center. I first taught preschool and then my last year there, I taught Kindergarten. This gave me the experience to get my job teaching Kindergarten at the Villa. Then my third year at the Villa, I taught third grade, giving me some great experience for my resume. When I lost my job at the Villa, I was sad but I knew it was going to be okay. Lo and behold, I was offered the job I had last year (in a public school- my goal!), partly because of a glowing letter of reccomendation that a student's parent (a third grade student!) wrote for me, prompted by her sadness at me leaving the school.

It was like the stars aligned. I finally had my public school teaching job, we had been married over a year and owned our house just as long. I had wanted to get pregnant with my first child before I turned 30 (this November- eesh). So last September seemed like the perfect time.

I got pregnant immediately. Again, things just seemed to be working out. I was due mid-June, so I wouldn't have to miss much of my first school year. Then, I found out it was twins. That was a small snag in my plans, it meant I would have to leave earlier than planned. I figured it would be okay, though. I made it through the winter, until the very beginning of spring when I was hit with everything at once. I had mild pre-eclampsia, and needed to go on bedrest. Also, I was told I would not be returning to my school in the fall.

I was unhappy, to say the least. There were a few (buckets) of tears shed. I knew I had plenty of time to job hunt, but I couldn't do so while hugely pregnant. I knew that I would have no chance. So I chose to job hunt after the girls were born in May.

I managed to snag a few interviews, but obviously, never had an offer. So I started to question what the reason for this would be? Why was I given twins, only to have my job taken away, leaving us with only one salary for a family of four- and barely enough to care for them? Some people can do that. We can't. All summer I questioned why? Why was this happening to me, to my family? What did I do to deserve this? Why don't I get to finally have it all? The job, the family, etc. I was bitter and furious. My life motto, everything happens for a reason, seemed like crap. There was no reason for this, other than to make me miserable. I started to question whether I was really meant to be a teacher. Maybe I wasn't any good at it. Maybe it wasn't what I was meant to do in life. But then I would see a picture of an old student, or come across something we made in class (from the Villa, not the vile place I worked for last year) and remember that I AM a good teacher and it IS what I am meant to do, after being a mother and wife. But even though I knew I was a good teacher, I still questioned why this was happening to me.

I felt this way until just recently. I made a decision, and Brian agreed, to stay home one more month with the girls. We can swing it financially for a bit longer. Barely. But we can do it. So I am. I will start subbing when the girls are around 5 months old. This never would have been possible if I still had my old job. I would have gone back on the day the girls turned three months. That wasn't enough time for me.

So while I am not necessarily feeling blessed that I lost my job, I am trying to see the good in it. I will go sub for the year and next year I WILL be back in front of my own class. So I guess the reason for all of this is so I can spend more time with my girls. Any decision that puts them first has to be the right one.