Decisions, Decisions..

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. After college, I taught at a childcare center. I first taught preschool and then my last year there, I taught Kindergarten. This gave me the experience to get my job teaching Kindergarten at the Villa. Then my third year at the Villa, I taught third grade, giving me some great experience for my resume. When I lost my job at the Villa, I was sad but I knew it was going to be okay. Lo and behold, I was offered the job I had last year (in a public school- my goal!), partly because of a glowing letter of reccomendation that a student's parent (a third grade student!) wrote for me, prompted by her sadness at me leaving the school.

It was like the stars aligned. I finally had my public school teaching job, we had been married over a year and owned our house just as long. I had wanted to get pregnant with my first child before I turned 30 (this November- eesh). So last September seemed like the perfect time.

I got pregnant immediately. Again, things just seemed to be working out. I was due mid-June, so I wouldn't have to miss much of my first school year. Then, I found out it was twins. That was a small snag in my plans, it meant I would have to leave earlier than planned. I figured it would be okay, though. I made it through the winter, until the very beginning of spring when I was hit with everything at once. I had mild pre-eclampsia, and needed to go on bedrest. Also, I was told I would not be returning to my school in the fall.

I was unhappy, to say the least. There were a few (buckets) of tears shed. I knew I had plenty of time to job hunt, but I couldn't do so while hugely pregnant. I knew that I would have no chance. So I chose to job hunt after the girls were born in May.

I managed to snag a few interviews, but obviously, never had an offer. So I started to question what the reason for this would be? Why was I given twins, only to have my job taken away, leaving us with only one salary for a family of four- and barely enough to care for them? Some people can do that. We can't. All summer I questioned why? Why was this happening to me, to my family? What did I do to deserve this? Why don't I get to finally have it all? The job, the family, etc. I was bitter and furious. My life motto, everything happens for a reason, seemed like crap. There was no reason for this, other than to make me miserable. I started to question whether I was really meant to be a teacher. Maybe I wasn't any good at it. Maybe it wasn't what I was meant to do in life. But then I would see a picture of an old student, or come across something we made in class (from the Villa, not the vile place I worked for last year) and remember that I AM a good teacher and it IS what I am meant to do, after being a mother and wife. But even though I knew I was a good teacher, I still questioned why this was happening to me.

I felt this way until just recently. I made a decision, and Brian agreed, to stay home one more month with the girls. We can swing it financially for a bit longer. Barely. But we can do it. So I am. I will start subbing when the girls are around 5 months old. This never would have been possible if I still had my old job. I would have gone back on the day the girls turned three months. That wasn't enough time for me.

So while I am not necessarily feeling blessed that I lost my job, I am trying to see the good in it. I will go sub for the year and next year I WILL be back in front of my own class. So I guess the reason for all of this is so I can spend more time with my girls. Any decision that puts them first has to be the right one.

Accomplishments

After my vent from yesterday (that Brian rolled his eyes at), I feel the need to write about the good things happening with the girls. Because I swear, even though the crying and screaming and fussing gets to me (and it should- I am with them 24/7 and therefore allowed to vent) there are many more happy times around here than not.

1. We seem to finally be making progress with this whole nap in crib thing. I hate it, but I have just been letting them cry in their cribs when they start to get tired. Usually they will drop off after just a couple of minutes of crying. It doesn't make me feel any better though. I hide in the living room with the TV on to drown out the cries. In the mornings Charlotte will sleep about 20-30 minutes and Kayley will go significantly longer. Yesterday afternoon, Kayley slept an hour and a half and Charlotte did two. So we seem to be getting somewhere.

2. Kayley has started to show more interest in toys. She will reach for the toys on the bar of her bouncy seat and has been successful a few times in grabbing and pulling the one that makes noise.

3. Charlotte is becoming a little chatterbug. She worries me, that one. She has been trouble since she was in the womb. She will babble and make noises and then at the drop of a hat, she will begin shrieking. She is going to be our little drama queen for sure. Kayley makes some noise but is not as "chatty" as Charlotte is.

4. Both the girls roll all the time. Kayley seems to like to do it more than Charlotte. She has become a belly sleeper now as well. During the day when they are on the blanket just hanging out she will roll over and pull her head up and just look at the world around her. Charlotte doesn't seem to be able to do this yet. Or maybe she is just not willing. :)

Side note: my living room looks like BRU threw up. Note all the baby crap in the background. That basket is also full of their things.

5. Finally, other than a little blip last nigth where Charlotte was at 3:30 (and woke her sister) they seem to be back to sleeping through the night. They go down around 7:30 and will wake between 6:30 and 7:00. Hopefully we are finally getting some kind of sleep schedule!

Not so bad.

Just a picture to show that they are not always horrid like people think. The crying does cease once in a while :)

A vent.

I never wanted twins. Some people dream about it. I never did. When we decided to get pregnant, I imagined one. ONE. NOT two. And certainly not two this difficult and fussy.

I can never go back to work.

Nobody can handle watching my kids. Maybe if they didn't cry all.the.time. people would be more likely to offer. We can't afford daycare, it's 100% out of the question. So that leaves family. One family member has flat out said that watching the girls alone is not possible. Another family member always dodges the question when it is brought up. Oh, and these are family members who offered to watch them when I went back to work. So who does that leave? I can't, and won't, get a night job. I am going to be subbing because it will keep me in schools and possibly be a foot in the door when a full time position opens up. Brian needs to hold on to his job because now is not the time to go looking elsewhere. So where does that leave us?

It infuriates me. These people are family, supposed to be helping us out. I never get a break. I go insane all day long with them. I am sick and tired of the screaming and crying. I need to get back to work, not only for the money but for the break. But since I am apparently the only one who can handle them (one family member even rudely pointed out that Brian can barely handle them, which really offended me) I am stuck. I can't even get a break for an hour to go out on my own, much less daily to go to work.

I get that they cry and scream all the time. I am here with them 24/7. I hear it. Believe me, I do. But a little help would be greatly appreciated. Anyone with a new baby should have family support, especially those with multiples. But we barely have any. And really, a "break" is not holding my kids for 5 minutes while I am still there. I can still see them and hear them. That is not a break.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I'm so frustrated, stressed and depressed. I am so irritated with my family and his family right now. So it looks like I will never get to go back to work. Who needs to pay the mortgage anyways?

Now I lay me down to sleep..

I am trying to get the girls to nap in their cribs. I figure that once I get back to work (if..ever..) and our parents babysit, this will make things easier. So today was day one of Project Nap in Cribs. This is how it went.

Attempt 1 (Morning nap):
Babies look sleepy.
Lay them down in their cribs.
They fuss.
Fussing evolves to crying.
Crying becomes screams.
Start to settle a bit.
I take a shower.
Come out, hear a little fussing. Go see who it is. Charlotte.
Give her binky
She drifts off.
Bastards next door start hammering. Wakes Charlotte. Charlotte wakes Kayley.
Get both of them to drift back off.
Decided to close window (dumbass).
Take window fan out, falls, wakes up both babies.
Screaming.
Attempt 1: FAIL. We sleep in swing and bouncy.

Attempt 2 (Afternoon nap):
Babies look sleepy, lay them down.. blah blah.
crying, fussing, screaming.
Give them seahorses, run away to escape screaming.
Go downstairs to vacuum.
Vacuum. Clean kitchen. Try to decide what else to do to escape screams.
Go check on them.
Kayley sleeping. Charlotte fussing.
Offer binky.
Screams and accusatory looks.
Out goes Charlotte.
Close the door.
Small click- Kayley up.
Screams.
Charlotte up.
Shrieks.
Kayley falls back asleep (how?? how I ask??)
Charlotte still up.
Shrieks.
More.
I run away to escape.
Hear it through the ceiling.
Give up.
Attempt 2: FAIL.

Step Right Up, Folks!

Sometimes when I am out with the girls I feel like we are a freak show. I get it, twins are rare. Identical twins are rarer still. In fact, the birth rate of identical twins is only 3 out of every 1000 deliveries worldwide. Out of the world wide population of twins, only 8% are identical. So yes, I understand, they are an anomoly. I like to think they are just special. Add in the fact that my identical twins are ridiculously cute:

it apparently equals a freak show. Well maybe not a freak show, but I certainly feel like that when we go out. Today was a lousy rainy day and I was bored out of  my mind. We decided to head down to the Rockingham Mall to wander around. I can't even recall how many people I saw stare us down out of the corner of my eye. I heard the "awws" and the "ooh- twins!". While it doesn't usually bother me too much, because I generally don't mind talking to people, I still felt like we were on parade. Then there are the people who have to stop to ooh and aah over them. One lady even stroked their cheeks! Who does that? Luckily she wasn't some dirty looking hobo, and was buying a Coach bag so that gave her some cred. but still- stranger!

Overall, I really don't mind the questions. The stares as I walk past make me uncomfortable, because it's creepy, but the people who want to chat are fine. I will stop and talk with you all day long if you want! I'm a chatty person. Although, there are times I would love to make a poster and just hold it up when people stop me:

Yes, they are twins. (Did you really just ask me that??)

They are _______ months old.

They are BOTH girls. (Hello, pink)

Their names are Charlotte and Kayley.

Yes, they are identical.

Yes, twins run in my family (although IDs are not genetic).

Yes, I made it full term (ish).

Yes, my hands are full.

Yes, they sleep at night.

I know they are cute.

Don't touch them. (Dirty hobo).

This would save me some time on those busy days, no?

Girly Girls

Lord help me, my girls are sissy little girly girls. Charlotte especially. I am okay with this, I mean I would rather have girly girls than tomboys, because what the heck would I do with tomboys?? Sports + Katie = Disaster.

Charlotte is a drama queen. This girl doesn't just scream or cry. She shrieks. I always know who is crying in the other room because if it is a high pitched squeal, it's her. Kayley, however, is more of a whiner. How do they know how to whine already??? And they both have little girly crys when the fuss "eh..eh...ehh". I dread the whiny shrieks when they are hormone fueled. The shrieks and whines are especially adorable at 1 AM.

On a lighter note, both the girls are rolling. Kayley discovered how to do it and does it all.the.time. But she can't get her chubby little butt back over so she ends up turning purple with rage as she smushes her face into the blanket. Cute. Also, both the girls are "talking" now. They tell me stories, usually about the bad things the dog has done :) I have attempted to take videos of both the rolling and the "talking" but again, uncoopertive babies. These girls are going to drive me to drink..